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Humorous quotations

From church bulletins and similar sources

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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Episcopalians/Anglicans: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.

Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

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Copied from Cloud Ten Pictures:

bulletBertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
bulletOur youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
bulletThe senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

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Copied from Tina's Humor Archives, with permission:

bulletThis afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
bulletTuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
bulletWednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. 
bulletThis being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar. 
bulletThe service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 
bulletOn Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper. 
bulletThe ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday. 
bulletIrving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days. 
bulletThis week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.
bulletFor those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
bulletThe Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 
bulletThe pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy.
bulletThe choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. 
bulletThursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study. 
bulletDuring the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 
bulletNext Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience.
bulletDue to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 
bulletOffertory: "Jesus Paid It All
bulletToday - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. 
bulletThe music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 
bulletRemember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 
bulletThe eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
bulletThe concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 
bullet22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why.
bulletSmile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
bulletA songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 
bulletToday's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 
bulletHymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
bulletOn a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better."
bulletPotluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 
bulletDon't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

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From an Email:

bulletA bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
bulletAt the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is  Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
bulletWeight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
bulletThe 1999 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
bulletPastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
bullet8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
bulletMrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
bulletPlease join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
bulletScouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
bulletThe Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
bulletThe Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
bulletThe rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A. Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
bulletThe church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

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From Chris Allen, Utah State Director for American Atheists:

bulletAnnouncement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
bulletMiss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
bulletLadies, don't forget the rummage sale, It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your husbands.
bulletThe peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
bulletThe sermons this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
bulletBarbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 
bulletRemember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

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Hymns for all professions from Beliefnet's joke of the day:

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

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