I was on my way to the post office to pick
up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to
five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is
"MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose
neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat
in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as
everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which
is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and
when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore
all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD
BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"
but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his
computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his
hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself
was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global
disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the
$250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
(It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES
HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000
if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a
pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first
asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to
the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return
slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a
note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the
hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the
one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and
the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every
e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of
x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more
than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will
only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have
BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive
himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving
without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was
promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you
their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the
owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and
you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth
Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using
the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S.
government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on