For the family to stay together, even though their relationship has an emotionally toxic effects on the parents, or

For the spouses to separate and later divorce.

E. Mavis Hetherington is a professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia. She examined 1,400 families and more than 2,500 children in a longitudinal study which extended over three decades. She and John Kelly -- a New York author -- have written a book which is primarily aimed at college students and counselors. ₁ She says "You haven't given your kid a terminal disease if you've divorced." She believes that the negative effects of divorce have been overemphasized by proponents of the "marriage movement." According to her studies, 75 to 80% of children from divorced homes are "coping reasonably well and functioning in the normal range." She also found that 70% of their parents are leading lives that are "good enough" or better than before. ₂

According to a review in Publishers Weekly: "Hetherington sees divorce as part of a series of 'interconnected transitions' in life rather than a one-time event. While destructive in the short-term, divorce can also be positive, creating new opportunities for long-term personal growth. Depending on their "protective" factors (maturity, autonomy) vs. "risk" (impulsiveness, anti-sociability), ex-partners will weather the stormy first year after divorce with varying degrees of resilience. After six years, most are happier.

An About.com reviewer says that the authors describe: "...how women and girls experience divorce differently from men and boys; why single-mother-son relationships and stepfather-daughter relationships are the most difficult; why divorce presents a greater risk to adolescent children; and how mentoring and authoritative parenting can buffer against negative effects. This unprecedented look at our divorce-prone society concludes that the aftermath of divorce need not be a prescribed pathway of dissolution but can be one of healing and ultimate fulfillment." (In an apparent oversight, Amazon.com's book review has an icon on which one can click to add this book to their "wedding registry.")

Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee, & Julia M. Lewis have written a book: "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce : A 25 Year Landmark Study." Ms Wallerstein is founder and executive director of the Center for the Family in Transition, and a senior lecturer at the School of Social Welfare at the University of California at Berkeley. Ms. Lewis is a professor of psychology at San Francisco State University and co-principal investigator of the Children of Divorce Project -- a longitudinal twenty-five-year study. Sandra Blakeslee is a science and medical writer. Their book is based on a study which tracked about 100 children who grew up in an unhappy or divorced family. She reports that "...children of divorce have a very hard time growing up. They never recover from their parents' breakups and have difficulty forming their own adult relationships." Their book discusses the different roles that children take in the event of a divorce or unhappy marriage. It also deals with difficulties that children of divorce have as adults when they pursue their own relationships. Many feel that their relationships are doomed. They also try to avoid conflict, and fear commitment. The book ends with recommendations on how to minimize the damage that divorce does to the persons involved. It also has suggestions about how to prevent divorce by strengthening marriages.