Parenting a gay or lesbian childOptions to pursue after your child says: "I'm gay."
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Options:There are three obvious paths that you can take. Both are horrendously painful and immensely difficult:
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Rejection: This is a surprisingly
common resolution to the news that a parent has a gay child.
Hateful words may be exchanged that all involved will
remember for the rest of their lives. Parents often throw
their gay children out of the house, sever all connection
with them, terminate their financial support, and withdraw
to mourn what is in effect the death of their child.
According to Rev. Scott Summerville of the
Asbury
United Methodist Church in Yonkers, New York:
"Some studies suggest that when gay youth come out to
their parents, approximately half of the parents are
supportive, and half are hostile. Of those who are
hostile, half kick their child out of the house. So if
these studies are correct, something like a quarter of
gay youth who disclose their sexual orientation may end
up homeless. These young people are at greater risk for
violence, sexual exploitation, mental illness, and
physical illness. Homeless gay youth are some of the
most vulnerable and abused people in our entire
society." 1
According to a 2005 article in the New York Blade:
"More than a dozen public and private studies have shown that gay teens constitute 20 to 42
percent of young homeless nationwide. Nearly 7,000 homeless gay youth currently live in New
York City, by some estimates. But only 26 beds serve them."
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Accept your child and work to change them:
Many parents, particularly those who are religiously conservative,
feel torn between a desire to help their child, and a very strong rejection --
even hatred -- of
homosexuality. Some react by continuing to support their child, while pressuring
them to seek help to change from homosexuality to heterosexuality. They may seek
support for themselves from their pastor, priest, or family therapist. They may urge their children
to connect with therapists or groups promoting change
for homosexuals. These include:
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Therapists and other mental health professionals: A very small
percentage of therapists who work with gays and lesbians provide reparative
therapy. The goal is often to convert the client from a homosexual to a
heterosexual. Unfortunately, no studies of the effectiveness of this form of
therapy have been published in peer-reviewed journals. The failure rate
appears to be extremely high. Many of the major
mental health professional associations have expressed concerns about the efficacy and safety of
this therapy.
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Transformational ministries: These are typically conservative Christian para-church groups who counsel homosexuals using a spiritual approach. The
largest of these is Exodus International. 2
They claim that "freedom is possible," that people can "leave homosexuality"
and that God wants to "heal homosexuals through his church."
2
They teach the client to stop viewing themselves as homosexual and seek
holiness through an intimate spiritual relationship with Jesus. They believe
that the client's same-sex attraction will fade over time and be replaced by
heterosexual attraction. Transformational ministries have some success
convincing homosexuals to live a life of celibacy and not act on their
sexual attraction to members of the same sex. They have considerable success
in persuading bisexuals -- adults who are attracted to both men and women --
to choose to confine their relationships to members of the opposite sex. They
generally do not publish "success" rates at converting homosexuals to
heterosexuals. It is believed to be very low. Exodus International has a resource page for parents and friends
of gays. 3
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Accept your child, including their homosexuality: If a parent
accepts the findings of the vast majority of human sexuality
researchers that homosexuality is a normal, natural, and
generally fixed sexual orientation -- or if they are open to considering
this alternative -- there are a number of paths forward:
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Many secular and other therapists provide Gay Affirmative Therapy (GAT)
which is designed to help the individual accept their sexual
orientation and to overcome:
"... the psychological effects on lesbians and gays from the
heterosexism, homophobia and homo-ignorance from society, family
religion, and one's culture..." 4
This form of therapy is promoted by many persons with a homosexual or
bisexual orientation, religious liberals, secularists, and the large mental
health professional associations in North America.
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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) promotes the
equality of treatment and opportunity of persons of all sexual orientations.
They:
"celebrate diversity and envision a society that embraces everyone,
including those of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities." 5
A major function of PFLAG is to
counsel and support parents, relatives and friends of gays and lesbians --
particularly parents who have just learned that a child is gay. 6
Related essays on this website, for additional information:
References used:The following information sources were used to prepare and update the above
essay. The hyperlinks are not necessarily still active today.
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Rev. Scott Summerville, "Falling Sparrows and Throw-Away
Kids," Asbury United Methodist Church, 2008-JUN-27,
at:
http://www.asburycrestwood.net/
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Exodus International's home page is at:
http://www.exodus-international.org/
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"Library: Family & Friends," Exodus International, at:
http://exodus.to/content/blogcategory/16/53/
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Joe Kort, "So you'd like to learn about Gay Affirmative Therapy (GAT)" at:
http://www.amazon.com/ Kort has provided a list of 43 books on the topic.
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PFLAG's home page is at:
http://community.pflag.org/
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"Coming out help for families and friends," PFLAG, at:
http://community.pflag.org/
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Copyright © 2008 by Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance
Original posting: 2008-AUG-06
Last update: 2008-AUG-06
Author: B.A. Robinson
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