Virginity/sexual abstinence pledges:
Sexual purity, secondary
About sexual purity:
The term "sexual purity" is a common term used by conservative Protestant
groups. As a minimum, it means to refraining from sexual intercourse except within a
opposite-sex marriage bond. The implication is that all sexual activity is in
some way sinful, and defiling if it is performed outside of an opposite-sex
marriage. This includes behavior by opposite-sex couples from the start of their
friendship, through the time when they make a personal commitment to their
relationship, through their period of engagement, and up to the conclusion of the
marriage ceremony. This teaching also negates the validity of loving, committed
same-sex relationships and same-sex marriages.
The True Love Waits and many similar groups define sexual purity very
broadly. It includes abstinence
from penile-vaginal intercourse as well as many other sexual behaviors, including:
"...Dwelling on thoughts of sex with someone other than a spouse."
Any actions and situations which allow one to be "turned on" sexually.
"Intense hugging, passionate kissing and anything else that leads to
lustful thoughts and behavior. Anything beyond a brief, simple kiss can
quickly become dangerous."
Sexual touching in any form including solitary activity like
Viewing pornography or erotic pictures. 1
The concept of "Secondary Virginity" -- voluntary and enforced:
This is a concept promoted by most abstinence pledge groups for unmarried
persons who have been sexually active in the past. The person decides to remain
"sexually pure" in the future and thereby achieves "secondary virginity" (a.k.a. revirginization,
being a born-again virgin, renewed virginity, etc). One cannot regain their
original physical virginity. However they can try to change their both their current and future
behavior and attitude.
"Your physical virginity may be lost, but virginity
is more than just a physical state. It's an attitude, a frame of mind. It's
manifested in the way you look at yourself and others. Secondary virginity is a
time to change bad habits and heal past wounds. It allows you to clean and renew
yourself prior to marriage." 2
The Virgin Club suggests that attaining secondary virginity is not a
simple task. It might require the breakup of a close relationship and the
abandoning of friends. Renewed virginity"
"...can be difficult when you are
surrounded by an environment that doesn't lend itself to your starting over.
Some people have said that they would love to have never had sex, but that they
don't want to stop now because 'my boyfriend wouldn't be too happy,' or because
'there isn't much point now.' In situations such as those the best thing,
although definitely not the easiest, is to remove yourself from those with a
negative influence. Reevaluate the people in your life - if your girlfriend
wouldn't approve of you suddenly abstaining from sex, then go back to the
fundamentals of your relationship, if she doesn't support your decisions or
beliefs, what foundation does your relationship have to stand on?" 3
The New York Times referred to this phenomenon in late 2002 when it
commented: "These days, a period of 'secondary
virginity,' as it is sometimes called, is increasingly the norm for many
brides-to-be across the South, an accommodation to the modern reality of
premarital sex and the traditional disapproval of it in the Bible Belt."
Some pastors are requiring couples who come for pre-marital counseling to
cease sexual activity, and revirginate themselves until marriage. Some pastors make it a
condition of them officiating at the marriage.
Remaining sexually inactive until marriage is a bit of an uphill battle. Many
polls over the past decade have indicated that North American youths become sexually active,
on average, between their 16th and 17th birthday. The average age for
first marriage is more than a decade later. Remaining celibate for over decade,
while experiencing raging hormones, and an intense desire to be very close to a
significant other is extremely challenging for most youth. Various surveys
have indicated that 90 to 95% of youths and young adults are non-virgins when they first marry.
Thus, as a program, abstinence only has a 5 to 10% success rate.
Most groups that advocate pre-marital sexual abstinence recommend that each
couple discuss and establish firm boundaries which list behaviors in which
they will not engage. This avoids the couple getting involved in a situation
where they might be tempted to lose control and engage in sexual behavior that
neither really wants. A list might include:
||No physical contact beyond a brief kiss and hand-holding.
||Never being alone in a house together.
||Never getting horizontal on a bed, couch, floor, etc.
||Avoiding being with other couples who are sexually active.
||Avoiding one-on-one dates, in favor of group dating.
||Avoiding alcohol and other drugs which might lower inhibitions.
||Avoiding restricted movies, pornography, erotic materials etc. that
might arouse them.
They might also list behaviors that will help them keep their commitment:
||Tell friends, their families, spiritual leader(s), and/or counselor(s)
about their decisions and obtain their support.
||Pray before each date for the strength to resist sexual temptation.
"Frequently Asked Questions about True Love Waits: What does sexual
purity mean exactly?," LifeWay, at:
"How to Start Over If You?ve Lost Your Virginity," Love Matters,
"Secondary. "Renewed Virginity," The Virgin Club, at:
Elizabeth Hayt, "It's never too late to be a virgin," The New York
Cullen Murphy, "Back to Square One: My own private Groundhog Day,"
The Atlantic Montly, 2003-JAN/FEB.
Copyright © 2005 to 2010 by Ontario Consultants on Religious
Originally posted: 2005-MAR-20
Latest update: 2010-JAN-05
Author: B.A. Robinson