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An Argument for Satan

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An argument for Satan:

First, allow me to establish my own religious beliefs: I am an Agnostic with few solid thoughts on anything spiritual. However, I do have anti-thoughts, which can only be described as my refusing to join religions. I do not believe in a humanoid God. I do not believe that a man named Jesus died for my sins. Most importantly, I do not believe in Hell. Barring all of that, I present to you my thoughts on the Judeo-Christian-Muslim Satan, focusing most strongly on the general Christian perspective.

Assuming that Christians correct when they believe that God wrote, or massively influenced the writing of, the Bible, then we must consider the possibility that he is lying to us. The Bible itself has many contradictions, especially between the Old and New Testaments. One must turn the other cheek while simultaneously taking an eye for an eye; one must love oneís neighbor while not suffering a witch to live. But perhaps I am missing some crucial element and being stumped by hypocrisy.

Returning to the idea of a mendacious God, we should look at his probable motives: power, fame, and glory. Of course God would tell people that he was the one who created us and would claim that the only way to be happy is to worship him. Naturally he would tell us that he gave us free will, but that we should take the narrow path and pretty much avoid using our brains. The expression comes to mind "do as I say, not as I do" when he tells us that wrath is a deadly sin and "wrath of God" is a common phrase derived from Old Testament events, including, but definitely not limited to, the Flood.

From the expectations hoisted upon us to attend church so that we may worship him so that we may enter Heaven where we can worship him more, it seems clear  that he is arrogant and a bit childish. Though the Bible doesnít discuss in great detail the entity that is Satan, most Christians are believe that Satan was cast from Heaven when he refused to worship God as superior. The rest of the angels worshipped him without thought, but Satan pondered it and thought it a waste of time and energy.

If the Bible is anything to go by, God is obviously a wrathful beast, destroying entire cities when their occupants did not worship him. It must be taken into consideration that casting Satan from Heaven was a selfish and juvenile action. Now whenever something "evil" happens, blame is thrust upon the name of Satan. It seems to me that God uses Satan as a scapegoat -- what dictator doesnít have one? We have never had a Word of Satan in which he could defend himself; we go only by the Word of God, which seems a rather one-sided fight. How can we glean any truth from such a biased account?

Let us take into consideration the assumption that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and "has a plan" for us all. The Garden of Eden is an excellent first argument against all three points. First, he made Adam. That was all fine and dandy, but Adam needed a friend. So, according to ancient Hebrew legend, God made Lilith. There is some speculation as to whether or not she existed, but let us first explore the possibility that she was indeed the first woman created. Lilith refused to play second fiddle to Adam simply because he was a male, so God cast her out of the Garden and she wound up marrying Satan. Surely God, being omnipotent and omniscient, must have known this would happen. Furthermore, he had a plan for her. Based on the fact that the Bible is highly misogynistic, she was probably created as an example to future generations of women not to use their intellect or even think of considering themselves equal to men. Womenís rights, anyone? If Satan married Lilith, who clearly had a good head on her shoulders, we can assume that Satan is not sexist nor does he believe in suppressing women. As a woman in the twenty-first century, it is easy to see this as a winning quality.

This aside, the second human made is generally agreed to be Eve. Eve and Adam got along well and enjoyed living in the Garden, except that they were not allowed to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Again, the mighty and omnipotent God must have created that tree and known what it did. He forbade them to eat of it, but being so omniscient he surely knew what would happen. Christians often claim that it was Satan that tempted Eve to eat that fruit, which would only go towards Satan wanting humans to use their brains and God being a proponent of stupidity and ignorance, but it seems to me it was God that was the snake, because his plan could only go forward if Adam and Eve ate the fruit. God knew what they had done and punished them both marvelously, again making an example of women by punishing them with birthing painsóevery single one of them, all because of his coercion of Eve. To make his story that it was Satan that was the Tempter, he punished all snakes as well, forcing them to travel on their bellies. How this would punish Satan as is good as anyoneís guess, but that is the logic of the omniscient God we have all come to praise so highly.

Today, anything that goes wrong or deviates from the teachings of the Bible is accredited to Satan. This would mean that Satan, too, is omnipotent. It seems more likely that, based on Revelations as well as the Flood, God wreaks havoc so that he may gain more followers, demonstrated in the expression "there are no Atheists in foxholes." In Revelations, it was God who opened the seals and the angels who blew the trumpets that caused disaster on Earth. It is God who is the grand tester and trickster. In the Bible, who suffers? Followers of God. God rapes St. Mary, putting her at risk of being stoned to death. People say that she was only too happy to bear the Son of God, but what choice did she really have? If she had said to Gabriel "no thank you, please take this fetus away," she would have been sent to Hell, in all probability. If God asks you to do something, you had better do it, or he will punish you with eternal damnation, whatever that may entail. Jesus, sent to save our souls, was crucified by Godís will. Why would the torture of his son be the only way human souls could be saved? If God is omnipotent, why would he decide on this method of redemption? And if youíre one of those Christians sitting there right now reading this thinking "we crucified him by our sins," then think again. Every time I sinned, I did not drive a nail through some dead manís wrist. If I did, then God rigged it to be that way, and that makes him sadistic.

That brings us to the question of Heaven versus Hell. Has Satan ever told the general population what Hell is really like? Only living people have, or God told them, I suppose. Based on Godís treatment of humans, I suspect that Satan is much gentler. Hell is probably full of the intelligent masses that refused to accept God blindly. Satan is not likely to ask for eternal worship and self-deprivation like God does. Hell is probably very comfortable if Satan is as powerful as everyone claims. Most likely, everyone engages in intelligent conversation and watches the world go on its merry way. Heaven, on the other hand, is probably like churchódeathly dull, chalk-full of mindless worship, and the occasional extreme agony just for the sake of "saving" people so that they too can go to Heaven and do the same thing. One never hears from Satan except in Hollywood pictures or the more apocalyptic-focused priests. God puts himself everywhere, writing an entire book about how powerful and important he is. If a human being did this, he would be called a dictator or self-absorbed psychopath and would be massively disliked, but itís okay for God, as he is God, and "faith" is the answer. Satan has either been murdered by God millennia ago, or is just chilling down in Hell, enjoying the company of intelligent individuals over a delicious, indulgent desert.

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Originally posted: 2006-OCT-02
Latest update: 2006-OCT-02
Author: Kate Lenhardt

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